Think state-school football tailgate on steroids. More beer in larger quantities, and with higher alcohol content, than you’ve ever seen before. Debauchery ensues on every street, every beer garden, and especially on the infamous hill behind the Oktoberfest fairgrounds, a space unofficially designated for those who have had way too much to drink (or who simply can’t make it to the bathroom). It is the epitome of day drinking, the bane of existence for civilized men and women, and the most enormous endeavor in peer pressure invented in the modern world.
Moreover, we arrived just in time for opening day, a Saturday that begins as early as 6am for those seeking a place in the biggest tent for the opening ceremonies. Kevin and I had no interest in foregoing this much sleep, and we headed to the fairgrounds with our German hosts around noon. Kevin had met these Munich locals at a hostel in Vienna, and they were kind enough to let us stay in their dorm for two nights since hostels and hotels quadruple their prices during Oktoberfest as millions of visitors descend upon the city over the course of the 16-day festival. (The dorm is a bit like a hippy co-ed frat house, with all sorts of hilarious posters hung around the common room.)
In the morning, our hosts treated us to a “Bavarian breakfast,” otherwise known as an Oktoberfest pregame. At 10am, the menu consisted of German pretzels, sausage, beer, and sangria, and the alcohol-to-food ratio hovered around 2:1. We also learned to love a hilarious German drinking song that is incredibly catchy and centers on two fascinating subjects that always go hand-in-hand: breasts and potato salad (don’t ask me…). And we were introduced to traditional Bavarian dress worn during Oktoberfest: dirndls for women and lederhosen for men. (If lederhosen weren’t €170, we would’ve joined in the fun and had some fantastic Halloween costumes back in the U.S.)
Kevin and I let our hosts do most of the drinking, but we all polished off the pot of sangria and made it to Oktoberfest around noon. Upon arrival, we were overwhelmed by the sheer size of the event (the world’s largest people fair) and the number of drunk people everywhere. We followed our hosts around the massive fairgrounds, wondering whose brilliant idea it was to juxtapose beer tents and circle rides (aren’t you just asking for vomit everywhere?) while avoiding horse dung and other excrements. Once we reached the Hofbräu-Festzelt tent (the largest at Oktoberfest), the girls in our 10-person group worked their charm with security and got us into the beer garden. (Each tent serves one type of beer from a particular brewery; i.e. Hofbräu-Festzelt serves beer from Hofbräuhaus.) Inside the beer garden, we witness debauchery on a scale Kevin and I had never before experienced.
In order, the events of the day included:
– Random girl comes out of the tent, sits on the ground, and proceeds to vomit everywhere. Her friend comes outside, ostensibly to help her, while carrying her full 1-L jug of beer.
– While waiting in line to enter the tent (which ultimately proved unsuccessful), Kevin nearly faints from lack of glucose (we hadn’t eaten much) and almost gets kicked out by security (who think he is drunk), but is saved by a giant pretzel.
– Girl is trying to run out of the beer garden towards the bathroom, but drunkenly falls on her knees into puke.
– Guy vomits near a table, then we sit at the next one over since it was the only one open in the beer garden. (Cleaning crew later dumps sand on it.)
– At this point, please remember that it’s no later than 2pm.
– Drunkard uses approximately zero brain cells and kicks an apple into the crowd waiting in line, right in front of two ginormous security officers. One proceeds to grab this perpetrator by the back of the neck and literally throws him out.
– Guy smashes his glass beer stein into a giant crate of steins, breaking many of them inside. (Lucky for him, security doesn’t notice.)
– Guy walks on table, gets thrown out.
– Guy pukes near his seat, then others sit down a few minutes later before sand treatment.
– Is a pattern starting to emerge here? This all goes without saying that open container laws simply do not exist.
After spending enough time in the beer garden, we passed by the hill of debauchery, with men and women peeing in the bushes (or just on the grass) when bathroom lines are too long. An older, very drunk man proceeds to fall/slide down the hill in these disgusting bushes. Our German friends describe further incidents that occur on the hill on a regular basis at night…
At this point, one wonders if it’s a good idea to have the German national elections after opening day of Oktoberfest. (Something tells me that the voter turnout in Bavaria might be lower than expected.)
As our hosts attempted to get into more tents, Kevin and I decided to split off around 6pm and head for some real dinner. (Thus far, we only had “breakfast,” pretzels, and a fairly terrible schnitzel sandwich.) We stopped in a church on the way back to the dorm, which proved to be the most fascinating contrast to Oktoberfest. Just outside the fairgrounds, we stepped into another world — after spending so many hours in sheer debauchery, we wondered whether this was real life.
After enjoying some delightfully soothing Japanese ramen (the best counter to heavy Bavarian food and beer), we met up with our hosts at the dorm and marveled at their ability to continue drinking after a full day at Oktoberfest. (Kevin and I viewed the idea of an Oktoberfest after-party with incredulity.) While there, we watched them turn a children’s game into an aggressive drinking game, and witnessed a guy from another section of the dorm pull down his pants in order to convince us that his party would be the most awesome.
Kevin and I were exhausted and headed to sleep early as the others continued until the wee hours of the morning.
The following day, we all took it easy, had a fantastic brunch buffet at a local university cafe with rooftop seating, and walked around the city center to see some of Munich’s highlights. Afterwards, Kevin and I headed back to Oktoberfest briefly, where I took some pictures with my real camera and bought the obligatory souvenir magnet. Remarkably, I also walked straight into the tents — things were still extremely crowded, but the long lines had disappeared. It was fun seeing the inside of the tents, which are even crazier than the beer gardens, and involve substantially more peer pressure directed towards those willing to take up the challenge of chugging a 1-L beer in one go. Two people accomplished this in the few minutes I was there, and it was all quite entertaining.
Finally, Kevin and I headed back to the church we had visited the previous day and climbed the stairs to its bell tower for a commanding view over the Oktoberfest fairgrounds. Here is where you can really appreciate the insane number of people at the festival. (The photos below will tell the story best.)
Needless to say, Oktoberfest was an experience. Kevin and I were there for exactly that reason — to witness the craziness as tourists and the insanity that has descended upon Munich each and every year since 1810.
Axolotl Travels 